psalm 103: gracious and compassionate - Ryan and Xy

I have been meditating on the psalms for the past two years now and though there are 150 of them, liturgical texts are rather choosy and some psalms have the habit of repeating themselves more often than others, and in these two years, I have been reflecting on some of them already 5 times too many.  Sometimes I already want to give up the discipline of squeezing out from the text what God has in store for us in his word.  But I have to stay the discipline.  That way it trains us to be more alert for God's message, to be more sensitive to God's wisdom.

In our psalm today two words struck me.  They are the words gracious and compassionate – grace and mercy, two words which the psalmist says are the benefits of God, the reason why our souls, our whole being should bless the Lord.  What are these benefits from God?  Gracious and compassionate; grace and mercy.  What is grace, what is mercy?  Grace is getting what you do not deserve.  Mercy on the other hand is not getting what you truly deserve.  I hope you got that.  These are two characteristics of God often praised in the psalms, particularly in psalm 103, two facets of God's love for all of us – grace and mercy. Grace - getting what you do not deserve.  Mercy - not getting what you truly deserve.

When Ryan was in Third year high school in the seminary, we called him Cano then, because he was whiter than most (he was allied with Fr. Peter here whose group were opposed to the VFA – of which Fr. Llona was their banner boy.) – anyway Ryan failed in History class, a subject I was teaching.  He did not study and so he failed, and it was not even 70, it was 60 plus.  And added to that he also at one time almost got a book landing on his face when I saw him soundly sleeping in class and threw on him our textbook entitled the history of the world: from pre-history to the present – so you can imagine how thick that book was.  Luckily it did not hit him squarely in the face and luckily also for me there was no bantay bata then.  Nevertheless he got what he deserved. 

However, out of compassion I gave him another chance.  When you work with a 14 year old you can only win through negotiation (no longer dictation), when you apply, so to say, the art of making a deal.  Give me an 88 in History and you get to play football varsity.  He gave me an 89.  The chances of hitting that mark was slim when one is starting with a 60 plus grade.  But numbers cannot be disputed.  It was just two mistakes over-all.

In a country that has become too unforgiving, in a world that seeks to exact revenge tit for tat, in a relationship that cannot tolerate and overlook mistakes and imperfections, in unions where the only solution to problems is leaving and quitting, the first victims of this kind of relating are the very values that glue us together - grace and mercy – the very qualities of God's love. 

In most psalms and in all our prayers it is us who ask God to bless us.  In this psalm however, psalm 103, it is us who bless God – " bless the Lord my soul, let all that is within me bless his holy name."  And thus, to bless God means to fall down on one's knees, to be brought down on one's knees in awe, in sheer joy and gratitude because God is gracious and compassionate.  Kneeling is always the posture of the underserving and this is our posture when we are confronted by grace and mercy – the very characteristics of God's relationship with us, and the ideal of our relationship with each other – to love as God loves us. 

What is grace? – grace is getting what you do not deserve.  What is mercy? - mercy is not getting what you truly deserve. This is how God loves us and this is how Jesus told us to love one another.  Living in that consciousness that everything in my life is undeserving.

When Xy and Ryan and Fr. Paul Patrick, Ryan's classmate since high school in the seminary, and myself sat to plan the liturgy we came to the decision that more than anything else what they really wanted to do today is to pray.  And so we helped them make a prayer that will express their love for each other, their struggle to reconcile their differences and making them work to complement each other, a prayer that will express to God their fears in staying in love, a prayer that will raise to God their hopes and aspirations for each other and for the children God will give them.  It is not a very long prayer but it is long enough to be remembered by them.  You see Xy first met Ryan in prayer – in a morning prayer in TSKI, many, many years ago.  It was a chance meeting, something passing, but something that will be constantly recalled.  And so the years that followed will always include an instruction to pray, a request to go to the adoration chapel, an invitation to go to mass together, to pray, to pray, to pray knowing that everything in this relationship, and everything that will ever sustain this relationship, will always be undeserving - the consciousness that whatever I have, who I am, what we are, I do not deserve.  To be always in awe in the presence of this someone I know deep inside me, I am undeserving of.

PS.  Xylene I think I have to tell you this before you decide to say yes to Ryan today.  In his 2005 evaluation his fellow seminarians told him that he should be more sensitive to the feelings of others and lessen his “pagka-saskero” and “pala-labutaw”. Kon makursunadahan ka niya indi ka gid niya pag-untatan hasta nga mag-init na ulo mo kag mangakig ka na.  Then in 2006 when they knew he will go for regency they made the former evaluation sound a little more nicely saying, "Rey Agustin is fun to be with.  He can make jokes about almost anything."

Ryan, if Xylene says yes to you despite of you, then her love for you is unexpected, and when love is unexpected, it is deeply appreciated.  Why? because it is undeserved.  I hope that you will also have the same love for Xylene.