how I wish

In my almost twelve year stint as formator in this seminary, I was never ever asked to celebrate mass in order to open the week of intramurals. This is the first time. The reason I believe is quiet obvious to all. Nobody in his right mind wants someone who can hardly carry his legs and stand erect to open an athletic competition unless he would be somebody like Muhammad Ali, one of the greatest in the world of boxing, who at the time when he opened the Los Angeles Olympics was suffering from Parkinson’s disease. I have admit that in my reflective moments, I too would look with envy at how Fr. Julius Revesencio, or Fr. Dennis, or Fr. Marvin who despite his weight, can still perform flawless lay-ups and make perfect shots in a basketball game. How I wish I could be like them. Or Fr. Doming who at his age can still run around the football field and kick the ball effortlessly like a teenager. But alas my desire to be really good in something requiring physical strength died out at the beginning of my second year in college, when instead I have to learn to contend with and accept an almost failing grade in PE. From that time on I indulged myself in watching movies starred by Jackie Chan and Jet Lee with their acrobatic stunts, or the flexible yet graceful movements of a ballerina or an ice skater on the ice rink at Megamall, watching with great interest and fascination the things I could never do in my lifetime. In my imagination it would always be, how I wish.

How I wish - this introductory statement to a certain lack in oneself, is one of the consequences of a fallen human nature, what the Greeks call the tragic flaw. How I wish is an opening statement which zeros in on my own deficiency, in my own self-perceived imperfections, focusing on my inadequacies and shortcomings. How I wish is a statement which to an extreme can become a fuming envy of another and to another extreme, can become a desperate discontent with oneself bordering even at self-hatred.
How I wish. From the very start this seemed to be one of man’s main preoccupations - a preoccupation on what I lack. When Eve was tempted by the serpent in the Garden, the tempter used this same preoccupation to pull her down to sin. The tempter said, “you will become like the gods knowing what is right and what is evil if you eat of this forbidden food.” Eve had everything in the garden. She was provided with food and security. She was blessed care and love. She even had Adam. But this persistent focus on her lack made her say, how I wish I can become like the gods, how I wish I would have their knowledge. How I wish I could become like them. Thus, she took a bite and the rest is history. Instead of counting her blessings, instead of focusing on what she had, she focused on what she had not. Mind you the sin of Adam and Eve was not just pride or disobedience. These sins came from a deeper source, from a much stronger force in our humanity - and what is that - that gnawing sense of lack - the gnawing feeling of inadequacy.
Focus on your inadequacy and you will become envious of others. Focus on your imperfections and defects, and you will begin hating yourself. Focus on your sense of lack and you will begin defining yourself over and against others, comparing yourself to them and even begrudging them for their good. Focus on your lack ,and you will treat others as competitors. rivals and opponents. Focus on your inadequacies and you will begin to learn to cheat, and you will begin to lie and pretend what you are not, and what you have not. Focus on your inadequacies and you will begin to see and even search for the defects and shortcomings of others.
Why did the laborers in our gospel today grumble? Why did they resent when they could have been grateful to the generosity of the landowner? Why did they feel unfortunate at not having to receive more, when they could have felt fortunate for having found work in the first place? Why did they envy their fellow laborers when they could have rejoiced with them, over their good fortune? Why? Because they focused on their sense of lack, and by doing so they defined themselves over and against others, comparing themselves to them and even envying them over their good fortune, which happened to be not their good fortune.
Today let us ask ourselves. When we look at our lives, when we begin to assess ourselves, do we count our blessings or do we focus on our misfortunes? Do we pay attention to the areas of plenty in our lives or do we instead highlight what we perceive we lack? Do we live by gratitude or do we live by envy? Do we look at others as brothers in our community or do we see them only as competition, a rival?
This is an appropriate gospel as we start so many competitions during the week. We have our Literary musical contest, we have sports contest, and we will even have Mr. Intrams, which nobody wants to win anyway. This is a week full of competitions and we are divided into groups precisely so that we can compete. Except for the Mr. Intrams, we all would like to win, we would like to outdo the other, to outmanoeuvre the other, to compete, to win over, to pin them down, to search and use to our advantage their defects and shortcomings. We will blame the judges, we will disagree with the referees, we will begin to hate others and we will even hate ourselves for making mistakes.
The gospel however is offering an alternative. Can we become the best that we can become without wanting and craving to outdo the other? Can we use our God given gifts to the best of our ability, complementing these with all the training and the techniques we learned, without feeling down if ever we lost the contest. Can we come out of a contest accepting our lost and happy for the winner? Can we play, lose, win and have fun all at one and the same time? How I wish. How I wish. But then again by saying this introductory statement, how I wish, I am focusing on our inadequacy as a community of boys and men, rather than on our potential and capacity for greatness.