this is what i wanted
When I was in my second year as a high school in the seminary we were told to memorize the rules for latin gender. The rules for latin gender were in spanish. It was written in the form of a poem about 25 long stanzas. It goes like this: todo nombre de varon propio, viento y mes, y rio masculino es, por su significacion, los de montes tambien son del genero masculino, menos alpes feminino, son los de ninfas mujeres diosas musas y otro seres que tienen igual destino. That is only half of a stanza. Anyway our Latin teacher assigned us two paragraphs to be memorized for next day’s class. I can’t remember now what I said to our teacher, probably it was a protest, a clamor or waht. But definitely it was a wrong move because instead of just two stanzas I was made to memorize 15 stanzas, 15 long stanzas. I was only thirteen years old then. I had a day full of classes, our study periods were regulated one can’t go beyond the schedule and by then I had no guts to steal time by hiding and studying inside the comfort room. I remember I was walking around the patio during recreation holding the two page poem in long size bond paper trying to memorize the 15 stanzas assigned to me. I broke down and I cried - alone with no one to comfort me, alone with no one to encourage me. I thought I just could not do it. But at one point I took a deep breath, gathered enough courage, told myself again and again this is what you wanted, this is what you wanted, and went back to memorizing the poem.
This is what I wanted. You see I did not pass the entrance exams of the seminary. They told me I do not have the vocation to the priesthood. Some of my other classmates who took the exams with me immediately gave up and looked for other schools. I did not. On my own I went to the seminary and pleaded to them to accept me. They did not. I was desperate. An aunt who was the sister of the rector pleaded for me. I was not accepted. Then the last resort - I picked up the phone and with trembling hands matched with a trembling voice I asked helped from Msgr. Calvo, our parish priest in Oton. He told me to pick him up at the convent and together we went to the seminary, this time with my mother in tow. I was accepted, under probation. I was given only three months. The three months became a year, then four, then 8, then 13 years. Out of 36 only one of us became a priest.
This is what I wanted - that was what I said to myself in the patio while I was memorizing that long Spanish poem on the rules for Latin gender with tears in my eyes. This is what you wanted.
Entering the seminary was a choice I made at the age of 12. I worked for it even though they denied me several times. I insisted even though they discouraged me. I pursued it on my own even when they gave up on me. I chose it. It was not clear yet whether I wanted to become a priest then. But it was clear to me that I chose to be here. The consequences of that choice followed and memorizing that poem was just one of the many, many things that came and passed me by, one of the many many things I have to hurdle. I have to bear the many times I was made to kneel, the many times I was made to stay here as punishment, the many times i was placed under the heat of the sun for being noisy. But again and again the words, this is what you wanted, would come back, and it will do so through the years.
The readings remind us that our choices in life are important and they have consequences. Our first reading from Sirach says, “before man are life and death, good and evil, whichever he chooses shall be given him.” It is our choice to steal or not to steal, it is our choice to kill or not to kill, it is our choice to hate or to forgive, it is our choice to act or not to act, to react or not to react.
Most often we reason, if you did not do this I would not have done this; if you have done this I could have done this. But the point here is this, what others do is their choice but how I react to what others do is my choice.
Sirach continues, whichever he chooses shall be given him. Our choices have consequences. Sometimes we make choices without really examining their consequences. But when we decide to make a choice we just don’t decide on the choice, we also decide and choose the consequences of our choices. If I choose not to sleep on time, I also choose to be sleepy all day. If I choose not to study then I also choose to accept the consequences of a failure. Thus Sirach would say, before man are life and death. Our choices have consequences and there are times when these involve life and death. Be careful with what you choose.
Our Responsorial psalm says, blessed are they who follow the law of the Lord. The Laws of the Lord, the commandments in the Old Testament are often referred to as the wisdom of God, a wisdom God shared to us so that we can be happy. When we choose to violate God’s law we choose unhappiness. People who steal can never be happy, mother’s who abort their child may hide their shame but can never be happy, unfaithful spouses who have violated their vows may have sought happiness only to find out that they have entangled themselves further in the unhappiness they sought to free themselves from. The laws of God and the choices we make to follow them can be a source of happiness. This is the point of our response: Blessed are they who follow the law of the Lord! It is telling us that by the choices we make we choose either to be happy or miserable.
Today Jesus is inviting us to live God’s wisdom, not just by observing its letter but by interiorizing the commandments and laws of God. To interiorize something it might be good to ask the question why, not just what but why. Why should I not look at a person with lust? Because the human body is to be revered, it is sacred, love is sacred, sex is a sacred act. Why is divorce against The law of Christ? Because marriage is sacred, the bond of love is eternal. Why should I not call a person raqa, or fool? Why because every person is a child of God, an image of God. To be happy in our choice we need to interiorize the laws of God and not just observe them - to know the why of God’s commands.
This is what I wanted. This is my choice. I may choose to be happy, I may choose to be miserable. Let us be reminded by the poem by William Ernest Henley we recited in our elementary years,
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Life is a choice. It is my choice, our choice.
This is what I wanted. You see I did not pass the entrance exams of the seminary. They told me I do not have the vocation to the priesthood. Some of my other classmates who took the exams with me immediately gave up and looked for other schools. I did not. On my own I went to the seminary and pleaded to them to accept me. They did not. I was desperate. An aunt who was the sister of the rector pleaded for me. I was not accepted. Then the last resort - I picked up the phone and with trembling hands matched with a trembling voice I asked helped from Msgr. Calvo, our parish priest in Oton. He told me to pick him up at the convent and together we went to the seminary, this time with my mother in tow. I was accepted, under probation. I was given only three months. The three months became a year, then four, then 8, then 13 years. Out of 36 only one of us became a priest.
This is what I wanted - that was what I said to myself in the patio while I was memorizing that long Spanish poem on the rules for Latin gender with tears in my eyes. This is what you wanted.
Entering the seminary was a choice I made at the age of 12. I worked for it even though they denied me several times. I insisted even though they discouraged me. I pursued it on my own even when they gave up on me. I chose it. It was not clear yet whether I wanted to become a priest then. But it was clear to me that I chose to be here. The consequences of that choice followed and memorizing that poem was just one of the many, many things that came and passed me by, one of the many many things I have to hurdle. I have to bear the many times I was made to kneel, the many times I was made to stay here as punishment, the many times i was placed under the heat of the sun for being noisy. But again and again the words, this is what you wanted, would come back, and it will do so through the years.
The readings remind us that our choices in life are important and they have consequences. Our first reading from Sirach says, “before man are life and death, good and evil, whichever he chooses shall be given him.” It is our choice to steal or not to steal, it is our choice to kill or not to kill, it is our choice to hate or to forgive, it is our choice to act or not to act, to react or not to react.
Most often we reason, if you did not do this I would not have done this; if you have done this I could have done this. But the point here is this, what others do is their choice but how I react to what others do is my choice.
Sirach continues, whichever he chooses shall be given him. Our choices have consequences. Sometimes we make choices without really examining their consequences. But when we decide to make a choice we just don’t decide on the choice, we also decide and choose the consequences of our choices. If I choose not to sleep on time, I also choose to be sleepy all day. If I choose not to study then I also choose to accept the consequences of a failure. Thus Sirach would say, before man are life and death. Our choices have consequences and there are times when these involve life and death. Be careful with what you choose.
Our Responsorial psalm says, blessed are they who follow the law of the Lord. The Laws of the Lord, the commandments in the Old Testament are often referred to as the wisdom of God, a wisdom God shared to us so that we can be happy. When we choose to violate God’s law we choose unhappiness. People who steal can never be happy, mother’s who abort their child may hide their shame but can never be happy, unfaithful spouses who have violated their vows may have sought happiness only to find out that they have entangled themselves further in the unhappiness they sought to free themselves from. The laws of God and the choices we make to follow them can be a source of happiness. This is the point of our response: Blessed are they who follow the law of the Lord! It is telling us that by the choices we make we choose either to be happy or miserable.
Today Jesus is inviting us to live God’s wisdom, not just by observing its letter but by interiorizing the commandments and laws of God. To interiorize something it might be good to ask the question why, not just what but why. Why should I not look at a person with lust? Because the human body is to be revered, it is sacred, love is sacred, sex is a sacred act. Why is divorce against The law of Christ? Because marriage is sacred, the bond of love is eternal. Why should I not call a person raqa, or fool? Why because every person is a child of God, an image of God. To be happy in our choice we need to interiorize the laws of God and not just observe them - to know the why of God’s commands.
This is what I wanted. This is my choice. I may choose to be happy, I may choose to be miserable. Let us be reminded by the poem by William Ernest Henley we recited in our elementary years,
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Life is a choice. It is my choice, our choice.
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