“things I have learned from your sons” a pta meeting
If I have to entitle my homily today I would entitle it, “The things I have learned from your sons”’ or “The things your sons have taught me.” Why? for like Jesus I could not help but exclaim "I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the mere children.
Most of the times in our life we think that the children and the young are to be seen rather than heard. Most often our relationship with them is one to whom we would incessantly give advice and talk to, rather than hear from. Most often in our dealings with them we think solely of ourselves as their guides without even considering that we too could be guided by them. And so here are some of the things I learned from your sons, good guides they are, capable advisers, and the best storytellers ever.
One time I said quiet jokingly after having been teased by one of them, “I am the only prefect of discipline (who by the way in our time was very much feared and hated) . . . I am the only prefect of discipline in history who does not get respect, is mistreated like this and teased around. I am hurt!” And you know one of them answered, “Father, feeling mo lang na.” And there I realized I have entered their world, I have become one of them . . . somebody they can tease and yet respect, somebody they can relate with on equal footing.
Formation is a relationship. You can only form and be influential to them when you have first learned to relate with them. In simple terms unless you have become their friends you can never really reach out to them. We are always conscious of our authority as formators and parents. “I’m the daddy here, I’m the mommy here,” and we make our power over them be felt pretending to run their lives, while they are also busy pretending to follow the line.
If you seek sincerity, if you seek authenticity in your sons you must become a friend first before you can become a daddy or a mommy. Most people bury their mommies and daddies when they die. But how beautiful it would be that when we die they would also be burying a friend. So start now, relate with them as a friend, a good friend, a good buddy. Friendships are very important to them. Your being solely a mommy or a daddy or my being solely a formator does not work with them anymore. You have to be their friend first before you can be anything to them. They taught me that.
One seminarian told me once, “I cannot live in this community anymore ginapabay-an man lang kami diri. Waay na gani gina-inspection amon dorm.” Now I was a bit confused by that statement because sometime in the past I hated exactly the opposite - being constantly watched and constantly looked after. But I realized that the boy was right. Just because they are big enough to ride a jeepney or big enough to know the way to the SM City does not mean that we have to withdraw our presence. And neither does it mean that we have to intrude all the time. They need space, they need distance but you have only to be far enough as to hear them when they call on you when they need you.
Your presence is still very important but it is a different kind of presence. This time it is rather a reassuring presence. Reassuring presence means, I love what he loves or at the very least I try to understand, if not love, what he loves. I remember one time a parent watching the football match of their son’s team, our team. They were cheering for his team, they were wildly clapping their hands, they were shouting and getting so excited about the game. That was a reassuring presence – to get excited with what excites him, trying to love, giving importance to what they believe they love and give importance in.
Reassuring presence can also be being there for them when they feel they need to talk, being there for them when they feel they have something to say. Don’t intrude when he bangs the door in his anger or when in his tears deny you access. But just the same call out to him from behind the closed door and tell him ari lang ako diri sa guwa kon kinahanglan mo ako.
In the same way discipline is till important for them. But the manner of giving it may be in a different form, a balance between gentleness and firmness. This thing can be reassuring because it communicates to them that you care, and though they may no longer be cuddly and cute as when they were young, they are still as important to you. That’s what I call reassuring presence. They taught me that.
One time I asked a seminarian whose parent I was about to meet in an individual meeting what he would like me to tell his parents which he himself could not say. I asked him, ano ang gusto mo ihambal sa ila nga indi mo mahambal sa ila kag luyag mo nga ako ang mahambal sa ila para sa imo. He thought long and hard and he gave me a long list. After the long list, there was silence and so I asked, “Is that all?” And with a deep breath he said “singgana sila nga palangga ko man sila e.” It was said in a way that it was supposedly the most important thing to be said in my meeting with his parents. These young men can be so articulate in communicating this kind of feeling to their girl friends even with the possibility of being rejected outright. But frankly they would seldom communicate it to you. I would like to tell you that I would be sometimes allowed by them to peer at this feeling when they would say this feeling of love for you with tears welling in their eyes.
They taught me a thing here. That their love for you may not be verbalized, but it can be richly symbolized. Be aware of these tokens of love so that when they give it to you, you can immediately reciprocate. These tokens of love can be a touch, a pat on the back, an unexpected kiss, an unexpected visit, a card, an unexpected phone call or a bottle of whiskey bought in Subic with my own money. Learn to express the same in symbols (of course except the whiskey). Symbols for them are very important and they are very sensitive to these. They see them even in your gestures. They will interpret your fretting to leave as “you’re not really interested in me.” They will interpret your inattention as “I’m not that important for her.” They will interpret your hesitancy to tell them your problems as, “he does not trust me much.” They communicate in symbols, so know how to use them. They taught me this.
I can’t narrate everything here. But I can speak volumes as to what I have learned from them and am continually learning from them. Why? because I take interest in them. May you learn from them as much as I have learned from them, for wisdom does not just come from the old and gray, but also, and even more, from the mouth of babes.
Most of the times in our life we think that the children and the young are to be seen rather than heard. Most often our relationship with them is one to whom we would incessantly give advice and talk to, rather than hear from. Most often in our dealings with them we think solely of ourselves as their guides without even considering that we too could be guided by them. And so here are some of the things I learned from your sons, good guides they are, capable advisers, and the best storytellers ever.
One time I said quiet jokingly after having been teased by one of them, “I am the only prefect of discipline (who by the way in our time was very much feared and hated) . . . I am the only prefect of discipline in history who does not get respect, is mistreated like this and teased around. I am hurt!” And you know one of them answered, “Father, feeling mo lang na.” And there I realized I have entered their world, I have become one of them . . . somebody they can tease and yet respect, somebody they can relate with on equal footing.
Formation is a relationship. You can only form and be influential to them when you have first learned to relate with them. In simple terms unless you have become their friends you can never really reach out to them. We are always conscious of our authority as formators and parents. “I’m the daddy here, I’m the mommy here,” and we make our power over them be felt pretending to run their lives, while they are also busy pretending to follow the line.
If you seek sincerity, if you seek authenticity in your sons you must become a friend first before you can become a daddy or a mommy. Most people bury their mommies and daddies when they die. But how beautiful it would be that when we die they would also be burying a friend. So start now, relate with them as a friend, a good friend, a good buddy. Friendships are very important to them. Your being solely a mommy or a daddy or my being solely a formator does not work with them anymore. You have to be their friend first before you can be anything to them. They taught me that.
One seminarian told me once, “I cannot live in this community anymore ginapabay-an man lang kami diri. Waay na gani gina-inspection amon dorm.” Now I was a bit confused by that statement because sometime in the past I hated exactly the opposite - being constantly watched and constantly looked after. But I realized that the boy was right. Just because they are big enough to ride a jeepney or big enough to know the way to the SM City does not mean that we have to withdraw our presence. And neither does it mean that we have to intrude all the time. They need space, they need distance but you have only to be far enough as to hear them when they call on you when they need you.
Your presence is still very important but it is a different kind of presence. This time it is rather a reassuring presence. Reassuring presence means, I love what he loves or at the very least I try to understand, if not love, what he loves. I remember one time a parent watching the football match of their son’s team, our team. They were cheering for his team, they were wildly clapping their hands, they were shouting and getting so excited about the game. That was a reassuring presence – to get excited with what excites him, trying to love, giving importance to what they believe they love and give importance in.
Reassuring presence can also be being there for them when they feel they need to talk, being there for them when they feel they have something to say. Don’t intrude when he bangs the door in his anger or when in his tears deny you access. But just the same call out to him from behind the closed door and tell him ari lang ako diri sa guwa kon kinahanglan mo ako.
In the same way discipline is till important for them. But the manner of giving it may be in a different form, a balance between gentleness and firmness. This thing can be reassuring because it communicates to them that you care, and though they may no longer be cuddly and cute as when they were young, they are still as important to you. That’s what I call reassuring presence. They taught me that.
One time I asked a seminarian whose parent I was about to meet in an individual meeting what he would like me to tell his parents which he himself could not say. I asked him, ano ang gusto mo ihambal sa ila nga indi mo mahambal sa ila kag luyag mo nga ako ang mahambal sa ila para sa imo. He thought long and hard and he gave me a long list. After the long list, there was silence and so I asked, “Is that all?” And with a deep breath he said “singgana sila nga palangga ko man sila e.” It was said in a way that it was supposedly the most important thing to be said in my meeting with his parents. These young men can be so articulate in communicating this kind of feeling to their girl friends even with the possibility of being rejected outright. But frankly they would seldom communicate it to you. I would like to tell you that I would be sometimes allowed by them to peer at this feeling when they would say this feeling of love for you with tears welling in their eyes.
They taught me a thing here. That their love for you may not be verbalized, but it can be richly symbolized. Be aware of these tokens of love so that when they give it to you, you can immediately reciprocate. These tokens of love can be a touch, a pat on the back, an unexpected kiss, an unexpected visit, a card, an unexpected phone call or a bottle of whiskey bought in Subic with my own money. Learn to express the same in symbols (of course except the whiskey). Symbols for them are very important and they are very sensitive to these. They see them even in your gestures. They will interpret your fretting to leave as “you’re not really interested in me.” They will interpret your inattention as “I’m not that important for her.” They will interpret your hesitancy to tell them your problems as, “he does not trust me much.” They communicate in symbols, so know how to use them. They taught me this.
I can’t narrate everything here. But I can speak volumes as to what I have learned from them and am continually learning from them. Why? because I take interest in them. May you learn from them as much as I have learned from them, for wisdom does not just come from the old and gray, but also, and even more, from the mouth of babes.
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