a letter . . . to kingsley and bentot
July 9, 2007
When the Evangelizers asked me to say something in their despidida for Kingsley I felt an urge to write. And that was what I did when I reached my computer.
I am looking at things now from afar – from my own tiny room in the pre-college building. It is not really that far but it gives one another perspective, another view point. Probably it’s because I am no longer that involved. Probably it’s because I can see things no longer with hatred and anger, no longer with the intent of finding out more, no longer confused and bemused by mistrust, no longer primarily concerned about the personal issues of those involved, the consequences and implications of an act, the proper formative responses to a crisis situation . . . For so long a time it has been like these. Now, it is just Kingsley. . . now, it is just Bentot . . . just Kingsley . . . just Bentot . . . nothing more, nothing else.
The feeling is different.
With a mind no longer in a state of siege in situations like this, I am overwhelmed by feelings coming from the heart . . . and it is for this reason that I am moved to write this letter to the community.
When Bentot came to me repentant and in tears I grabbed his neck closer to where we were sitting and I playfully banged his head with my fist three times telling him, “you made one very big mistake, but that does not make you a bad person.” Saying that, I was conscious deep within that that “one big mistake” can very well alter the course of his life and dreams. It has.
But that does not make him a bad person. And so is Kingsley.
I just had one complaint with Bentot though and I told him so – why is it that in those 2 years that I have been your community animator you never came to see me? And he answered in between sobs, “I am afraid of you.” Just as I suspected all along – they are all afraid of me. So I said to him, “don’t worry you’re OK, you’re normal . . . don’t you know that my mother is afraid of me too.” And he smiled.
Kingsley, Fr. Ralph may not have said this to you but he keeps on telling me how proud he is of you. And I am happy that he is proud of you. He told me how meticulous and orderly you were in keeping the daily financial records, and how he tested you and how you remained true to your word, a word of honor you made before me when you were still in your first year. Very happy indeed!
And yet can one big mistake alter everything? Can it obliterate all the good one has done? Can it alter overnight our dreams?
Ask me now and I will answer differently – a different answer from the one I often gave a year ago. Why? . . . because it’s just Kingsley . . . it is just Bentot . . . nothing more, nothing else.
Probably that is how the Father considers all of us, mistake-makers that we are. That is why He is more merciful to us than we are to ourselves and to each other.
In saying so I am bedeviled by my past decisions, haunted by the memories of Keatz and Joel. I must admit before you that I made a lot of hasty decisions overwhelmed by anger than with reason. For this I am truly sorry. I hope I will be forgiven when they will have come to terms with their anger and hatred towards me, at least in their lifetime if not in my own. In Rome I scaled on my knees the scala sancta, the very steps that Jesus scaled as he went towards Pilate after having been scourged, and there only to be accused and sentenced wrongly and harshly. As I did so, these things flash in my mind and they made the climbing harder and excruciatingly slower.
Please be sincere in your IC with Fr. Bong. Even things like this can be handled well and become a formative experience if processed in time. Things like this should not have happened.
Kingsley and Bentot, hold on to your dreams. The power of His love is such that even the worst sin and the stupidest mistake cannot alter His will. You just have to be brave. You just have to trust Him. And you just have to take life “one semester” at a time.
Vaya con Dios!
May we remain,
Amigos para siempre,
Fr. Andy
When the Evangelizers asked me to say something in their despidida for Kingsley I felt an urge to write. And that was what I did when I reached my computer.
I am looking at things now from afar – from my own tiny room in the pre-college building. It is not really that far but it gives one another perspective, another view point. Probably it’s because I am no longer that involved. Probably it’s because I can see things no longer with hatred and anger, no longer with the intent of finding out more, no longer confused and bemused by mistrust, no longer primarily concerned about the personal issues of those involved, the consequences and implications of an act, the proper formative responses to a crisis situation . . . For so long a time it has been like these. Now, it is just Kingsley. . . now, it is just Bentot . . . just Kingsley . . . just Bentot . . . nothing more, nothing else.
The feeling is different.
With a mind no longer in a state of siege in situations like this, I am overwhelmed by feelings coming from the heart . . . and it is for this reason that I am moved to write this letter to the community.
When Bentot came to me repentant and in tears I grabbed his neck closer to where we were sitting and I playfully banged his head with my fist three times telling him, “you made one very big mistake, but that does not make you a bad person.” Saying that, I was conscious deep within that that “one big mistake” can very well alter the course of his life and dreams. It has.
But that does not make him a bad person. And so is Kingsley.
I just had one complaint with Bentot though and I told him so – why is it that in those 2 years that I have been your community animator you never came to see me? And he answered in between sobs, “I am afraid of you.” Just as I suspected all along – they are all afraid of me. So I said to him, “don’t worry you’re OK, you’re normal . . . don’t you know that my mother is afraid of me too.” And he smiled.
Kingsley, Fr. Ralph may not have said this to you but he keeps on telling me how proud he is of you. And I am happy that he is proud of you. He told me how meticulous and orderly you were in keeping the daily financial records, and how he tested you and how you remained true to your word, a word of honor you made before me when you were still in your first year. Very happy indeed!
And yet can one big mistake alter everything? Can it obliterate all the good one has done? Can it alter overnight our dreams?
Ask me now and I will answer differently – a different answer from the one I often gave a year ago. Why? . . . because it’s just Kingsley . . . it is just Bentot . . . nothing more, nothing else.
Probably that is how the Father considers all of us, mistake-makers that we are. That is why He is more merciful to us than we are to ourselves and to each other.
In saying so I am bedeviled by my past decisions, haunted by the memories of Keatz and Joel. I must admit before you that I made a lot of hasty decisions overwhelmed by anger than with reason. For this I am truly sorry. I hope I will be forgiven when they will have come to terms with their anger and hatred towards me, at least in their lifetime if not in my own. In Rome I scaled on my knees the scala sancta, the very steps that Jesus scaled as he went towards Pilate after having been scourged, and there only to be accused and sentenced wrongly and harshly. As I did so, these things flash in my mind and they made the climbing harder and excruciatingly slower.
Please be sincere in your IC with Fr. Bong. Even things like this can be handled well and become a formative experience if processed in time. Things like this should not have happened.
Kingsley and Bentot, hold on to your dreams. The power of His love is such that even the worst sin and the stupidest mistake cannot alter His will. You just have to be brave. You just have to trust Him. And you just have to take life “one semester” at a time.
Vaya con Dios!
May we remain,
Amigos para siempre,
Fr. Andy
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