to love as we could until we love as we should
At age 36 God deems it necessary it seems that I be given a crash course on loving to augment if not to complete my own human formation. He has given me at least two points today which I am sharing with you for whatever they’re worth to you at your age.
The first point I would call competing for love, of course with all love’s necessary accessories like caring, attention, affection, attachment perhaps and even gifts given. Competing for love had a early head start for me probably when my younger brother came into the world and when I began understanding what my elder brothers were talking about when we were left on our own exchanging boyish comparisons like the toys that they had in the past when I was not yet born. Even when I was still very young I remember even regretting to see old pictures of my brothers being cuddled. Obviously I can’t seem to locate the pictures they had of me being cuddled, hugged and embraced. Well after having their fourth child I surmise that they got fed up of activities like picture taking and looking cute in front of a camera. But it affected me in a way and in a family of five children and finding oneself almost in the middle at that, it’s hard to compete for love.
I remember the basic question then was Who do you love best? Who do you love best? And I believe that explains why I got stuck-up with my yaya who was giving me her full attention rather than to my parents or brothers and sister. And I also believe that explains why I have been justifying my behavior towards my younger brother with religious zeal and piety while in fact I was just envious because he drove a car to school starting in High school which was a natural attraction to girls then, having an air-conditioned room at a time when it was a luxury rather than a necessity. Who do you love best? Clearly it was not me and I resented that for years taking its toll in an estranged relationship with my brother.
When I was in my teenage years I was again competing for love and with all its accessories of attention, affection attachment etc. modified so to say a little bit with the question who is your best friend? Am I your best friend? It was also a difficult time in relationships. I have to go with him during recess, during recreation, free days you name it. These were positive assurances to the question. But the more articulate expression of this assurance is sunggod which when articulated in words begs an answer to the question am I still your best friend? Growing up in the seminary made that hard to express. It was a time when exclusive relationships and their bodily expressions like agbayanay are frowned upon by formators whom I would surmise, were trying to teach us universal love without going through the rigors of exclusive love – a feat even Jesus could not do. It was also a time when my best of friends lasted only for months and abruptly at that, in a life whose end or prolongation depends upon the mercy of the formators. I lost many best friends that way and it was just too difficult to say goodbye each time that one day I got fed up with it. So instead of growing up grappling with the question, Am I your best friend, and outgrowing it perhaps, I grew up instead avoiding the pain of friendship, of having to say goodbye each time. I thought then that it was an easier solution to a prevailing problem but the toll is even heavily paid at this time.
The question did not only apply to friends but also to formators and the community then. Vying for attention I struggled hard to be recognized and given extra attention. I love to be the darling of the community, always in the lime light that I began imagining myself as somebody else. Some of my classmates did attract attention by their notoriety and mischievousness but I did it by running after their expectations even to the point of exhaustion. It was not easy to get good grades all the time, to be good all the time, to be mapisan all the time, to hide one’s real self and even one’s rebelliousness all the time, bisan nagakumod kumod ka lang in silence just to appear good and thereby accepted and I should interpret then as “loved”. It was easy to pretend some of the time but it was hard, so hard to pretend all of the time. And yet I have to because of a need – an affirmative reply to the question, am I still your best friend? Well I did it anyway, I was the darling of the community and I was recommended with flying colors except for some minor things like temperament. It was indeed exhausting so that one time when my classmates publicly accused me of being favored by our Rector Msgr. Sale, I came out of the room crying. I went to Msgr. Sale and told him of the accusation and he asked me ngaa ginapaboran ta ka haw. Without thinking I replied daw puro man lang kasakit agyan ko sa imo, in between sobs. Competing for love has taken its toll. I ended my college years that way.
As an adult competing for love has taken a new face with a new question, am I not enough for you? why do you have to go with others, why do you have to go out with friends, am I not enough for you? Competing for love. The desire for exclusivity is more pronounced. Freedom can be deeply impeded. The simple word No can be a source of deep heartaches and a sleepless night. Presence to the point of having to tie the other with invisible chains can be more pronounced. The longing for a particular voice and a particular presence can be so strong to the point of restlessness and sudden mood swings. It can provoke anger and sweetness with lightning speed. It is terrible. Added to that is the extra cost in terms of missed work, absent mindedness and lost monetary savings I should say. Loving as an adult can very well be exhausting as it was in my teenage years. Justice is still an issue – if I give you this much, I expect you to give me also that much. And yet we know that justice is just a minimum of love and therefore shouldn’t I say that most of the time my loving is only in the minimum?
This is my struggle in loving and it seems I am way, way far from the ideal set by God in our gospel today. If it is so hard for me and probably for you to understand this gospel today it is because I believe loving without exclusivity and preference is a lifetime struggle even for a celibate like me. Loving freely is a lifetime work. To love freely and be freely loved is a struggle which our broken pots and earthen vessels could only handle step by step, one at a time.
Which leads us to the second point then which God is telling me with this gospel – how should I love. Yes I should love like God and yet at the moment I have to acknowledge before him that my own kind of loving may not yet compare with his, my own kind of loving may not yet be perfect like his, my own kind of loving may not have reached his ideal. I am still competing for love. That at the moment this is all I can give with my need to be repaired as an earthen vessel. It is a struggle of a lifetime. And yet with all its pains and frustrations, it is a joy to be in love again. It is one human feeling one should not miss albeit imperfect it may be. May our loving be an experience where we can learn and grow, so that when we have grown mature we could really love as we should.
For the meantime Lord permit me to love as I could until the day you would have completed my own training so that I can love as I should.
The first point I would call competing for love, of course with all love’s necessary accessories like caring, attention, affection, attachment perhaps and even gifts given. Competing for love had a early head start for me probably when my younger brother came into the world and when I began understanding what my elder brothers were talking about when we were left on our own exchanging boyish comparisons like the toys that they had in the past when I was not yet born. Even when I was still very young I remember even regretting to see old pictures of my brothers being cuddled. Obviously I can’t seem to locate the pictures they had of me being cuddled, hugged and embraced. Well after having their fourth child I surmise that they got fed up of activities like picture taking and looking cute in front of a camera. But it affected me in a way and in a family of five children and finding oneself almost in the middle at that, it’s hard to compete for love.
I remember the basic question then was Who do you love best? Who do you love best? And I believe that explains why I got stuck-up with my yaya who was giving me her full attention rather than to my parents or brothers and sister. And I also believe that explains why I have been justifying my behavior towards my younger brother with religious zeal and piety while in fact I was just envious because he drove a car to school starting in High school which was a natural attraction to girls then, having an air-conditioned room at a time when it was a luxury rather than a necessity. Who do you love best? Clearly it was not me and I resented that for years taking its toll in an estranged relationship with my brother.
When I was in my teenage years I was again competing for love and with all its accessories of attention, affection attachment etc. modified so to say a little bit with the question who is your best friend? Am I your best friend? It was also a difficult time in relationships. I have to go with him during recess, during recreation, free days you name it. These were positive assurances to the question. But the more articulate expression of this assurance is sunggod which when articulated in words begs an answer to the question am I still your best friend? Growing up in the seminary made that hard to express. It was a time when exclusive relationships and their bodily expressions like agbayanay are frowned upon by formators whom I would surmise, were trying to teach us universal love without going through the rigors of exclusive love – a feat even Jesus could not do. It was also a time when my best of friends lasted only for months and abruptly at that, in a life whose end or prolongation depends upon the mercy of the formators. I lost many best friends that way and it was just too difficult to say goodbye each time that one day I got fed up with it. So instead of growing up grappling with the question, Am I your best friend, and outgrowing it perhaps, I grew up instead avoiding the pain of friendship, of having to say goodbye each time. I thought then that it was an easier solution to a prevailing problem but the toll is even heavily paid at this time.
The question did not only apply to friends but also to formators and the community then. Vying for attention I struggled hard to be recognized and given extra attention. I love to be the darling of the community, always in the lime light that I began imagining myself as somebody else. Some of my classmates did attract attention by their notoriety and mischievousness but I did it by running after their expectations even to the point of exhaustion. It was not easy to get good grades all the time, to be good all the time, to be mapisan all the time, to hide one’s real self and even one’s rebelliousness all the time, bisan nagakumod kumod ka lang in silence just to appear good and thereby accepted and I should interpret then as “loved”. It was easy to pretend some of the time but it was hard, so hard to pretend all of the time. And yet I have to because of a need – an affirmative reply to the question, am I still your best friend? Well I did it anyway, I was the darling of the community and I was recommended with flying colors except for some minor things like temperament. It was indeed exhausting so that one time when my classmates publicly accused me of being favored by our Rector Msgr. Sale, I came out of the room crying. I went to Msgr. Sale and told him of the accusation and he asked me ngaa ginapaboran ta ka haw. Without thinking I replied daw puro man lang kasakit agyan ko sa imo, in between sobs. Competing for love has taken its toll. I ended my college years that way.
As an adult competing for love has taken a new face with a new question, am I not enough for you? why do you have to go with others, why do you have to go out with friends, am I not enough for you? Competing for love. The desire for exclusivity is more pronounced. Freedom can be deeply impeded. The simple word No can be a source of deep heartaches and a sleepless night. Presence to the point of having to tie the other with invisible chains can be more pronounced. The longing for a particular voice and a particular presence can be so strong to the point of restlessness and sudden mood swings. It can provoke anger and sweetness with lightning speed. It is terrible. Added to that is the extra cost in terms of missed work, absent mindedness and lost monetary savings I should say. Loving as an adult can very well be exhausting as it was in my teenage years. Justice is still an issue – if I give you this much, I expect you to give me also that much. And yet we know that justice is just a minimum of love and therefore shouldn’t I say that most of the time my loving is only in the minimum?
This is my struggle in loving and it seems I am way, way far from the ideal set by God in our gospel today. If it is so hard for me and probably for you to understand this gospel today it is because I believe loving without exclusivity and preference is a lifetime struggle even for a celibate like me. Loving freely is a lifetime work. To love freely and be freely loved is a struggle which our broken pots and earthen vessels could only handle step by step, one at a time.
Which leads us to the second point then which God is telling me with this gospel – how should I love. Yes I should love like God and yet at the moment I have to acknowledge before him that my own kind of loving may not yet compare with his, my own kind of loving may not yet be perfect like his, my own kind of loving may not have reached his ideal. I am still competing for love. That at the moment this is all I can give with my need to be repaired as an earthen vessel. It is a struggle of a lifetime. And yet with all its pains and frustrations, it is a joy to be in love again. It is one human feeling one should not miss albeit imperfect it may be. May our loving be an experience where we can learn and grow, so that when we have grown mature we could really love as we should.
For the meantime Lord permit me to love as I could until the day you would have completed my own training so that I can love as I should.
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