celebrating my 10th anniversary
Some people attend presbyteral anniversaries such as mine bringing with them that which I would like to call the perennial human interest to hear what the celebrant has to say about his priesthood, or about his life as a priest. What I call human interest is actually my way, my politically correct way of saying may pagka-maniningad kita at the very core especially when it comes to lives that are considered mysterious because they are set apart from those which we consider ordinary or because they are simply unique. The lives of priests are very interesting conversation pieces as evidenced in the way newspapers nowadays treat us, so I won’t let you leave this place without giving you that satisfaction if only to satiate your endless curiosity about us. Don’t worry about the length of this reflection. Ten years is not that long. In fact ten years is so short that I would just like to describe it in a phrase which I took from our gospel today, “those who entertained doubts fell down in homage.” Some bibles would translate this phrase as, “they worshipped, but they doubted.” Now I am not a biblical scholar and I don’t know, and even if I know, I cannot understand the original Greek text. Nevertheless both translations speak of the ten years. Sometimes my doubts would lead me to worship. Other times as I worship I doubt. Don’t be scandalized. For you I am a priest, with you I am a Christian, struggling, trying to understand, trying to comprehend. For you I am a formator but with you I am also continually formed, also struggling, also trying to understand, also trying to comprehend.
The first years of the priesthood are usually the learning period. It’s akin to the residency program of doctors and medical practitioners. It is completing what I have learned from the seminary, knowing first hand the ins and outs of the priesthood and parish work. It’s an OJT, an on the job training. I would like to describe this stage in my life as trusting without really trusting. Full of idealism, brand new from the seminary I soared like an eagle. Confronted with the reality of parish life I flopped many, many times like a maya shot out of the air with a lowly slingshot. Confronted by disabilities, both intellectual and physical, I came to the point of leaving the parish only to be confronted at the gate by a woman born blind whose demeanor and composure, whose confidence and strength in that feeble frame enfeebled further by blindness which seemed to say then, “look, I never gave up.” From her and from that parish I have learned not just to trust God but to trust that which God himself made - myself. I have to learn to trust myself. No miracles happened there. No tacit divine intervention happened there. It was sheer effort, because at that point no amount of faith made it easier. It was there when I said in deep conviction, God deemed it wise that I will not be given a faith the size of a mustard seed that can move mountains, rather he deemed it wiser in his wisdom to give me faith that made me climb mountains I cannot move. He was teaching me one thing then, trust in what I created in you, trust in yourself, he kept on repeating it – trust in yourself!
I missed those days. Living under one roof with a Gamboa, a Delgado, an Oso, a Gomez, a Billiones from San Jose, two kiaos who kept on repeating mango, mango, mango, not to mention dogs that sit on chairs and slept on tables and sofas and eat at the fork of their master, may be so demeaning to an injured self-esteem. But all the while God was whispering trust in yourself, you are good, you are beautiful, you can do it, you are loved, you are valuable. I enjoyed and missed their company now. I don’t know if they missed me too, though I’m quite sure the dogs do not.
The Second stage started in Pototan, my second assignment. I would like to describe this stage as loving without really loving. It will be a stage which continues until this day. Pototan was love at first sight. Pototan was honeymoon after three years and a half in the priesthood. It was my first real assignment – an assignment I was prepared for, an assignment I have seen myself in even when I was in the seminary. It was the most enjoyable time in my life. It lasted eight months. I never went back as in going back there just by being there. I only went back because of duty which I cannot avoid. If you have read a novel about the painting of Judas in the masterpiece of Da Vinci’s Last Supper you would understand why a person who has loved something so much, leave it and never come back. He betrayed him, he had him taken away and had him crucified because he was afraid that he will love him so dearly. It was hard to understand at first, for why should I be afraid to love. I realized that love is too human and I am not so at home with it. I know it is the right thing, I know it is the best thing that can happen, I know I love it, I love the feeling, I know, I know, I know. But it is just too human and I am not so at home with it. I was loving without really loving. Terrible isn’t it - the anger, the pain, the anguish, not counting the human cost, not counting the damage, not counting the wounds created by the denial. Erryl when you told me this morning in behalf of your class saying, we love you Father Andy, it was easy to say I love you too Erryl. But the classic example of this struggle in this dilemma on my part is every graduation day when I would go into my room and lock myself in and the graduates would insistently knock to come in and one by one they would come, and one by one they would hug me. My mind tells me this is just another show but my heart begs that the hug would last forever. Love is a funny thing, stupid thing but surely most wonderful. In the past I love my work, people were just tools. This is one place where I begun to love not just my work but the people I work with. In fact I work because of the people I love.
But the struggle continues. That is why I prayed to God, my formator, my director, in this chapel once saying, Lord help me to love as I could until you have completed forming me to love as I should.
Last stage in the ten years. I would call this stage obeying without really obeying. It happened at a time when the news of what happened to seminarians under me in the past years reached me. I was devastated that they lost their way. I claimed responsibility. For months I blamed myself until I cannot stand it here anymore. I was frantic in finding a way out. I made a 4 page letter of resignation without going directly into the real reasons. But the reason then for me was clear. I failed and not only did I fail, I was a failure. I thought friends would understand. I thought my reasons were logical enough. I though it would be granted. But it was not. It was denied. Everybody was fighting for obedience then. It was the main issue. I too joined the fight but as the saying goes the furthest road to travel is the road from the head to the heart. I was saying we must obey, but my heart rebelled, I don’t want to obey.
That particular stage is now behind me. In their own way, the personnel board though I believe did not intend it that way, made my continued stay here a virtue by not accepting my application for the position even just as an assistant parish priest. Obedience has a way of lightening the burden of the task of seminary work. Obedience has a way of taking away the thorns of conscience when something goes wrong or when something in the past went wrong. Obedience has a way of making me stop blaming myself. Obedience makes one share the burden, the load with others. It makes one free. I could not fully explain it now but that it how I feel with my presence here. Now I know that when I’m doing something I’m really doing it for someone and that makes the way easy.
I have narrated to you ten years, that’s ten years but everyday of my life in the events both happy and sad this gospel, the gospel we have just read rings true. In all those events sometimes my doubts would lead me to worship. Other times as I worship I doubt. Nevertheless the gospel comes to life. The assurance of his power rings loud and clear – a power that has conquered even death itself, a power that empowers us even now to trust in him, to trust in ourselves. The commissioning to make disciples is repeated – to love as we could until we can love as we should. And the promise is made that he will be with us no matter what, an assurance that we are not doing this by ourselves but with God.
One time, I don’t know what got into me but I felt restless, I felt deep loneliness, I just felt bad. And this guy who was once a seminarian here happened to text me on my cell phone nga nagapangamusta. I can’t remember what I said to him but most probably I gave a hint as to what was happening inside of me. Then all of a sudden I was barraged by texters sending one-liners like kaya mo yan father, and things like I’ll pray for you, or God is with you or advises like, in your lonely moments think of happy times we were together, believe in your capacity to fight. Amidst all these I was replying, who’s this, who are you. They were my former students, seminarians here whom I have accompanied for a year or two. These exchanges happened throughout the night and one thing I could not forget was when one of them ended his text after a long advise, daw ako na subong ang formator mo no followed by a he he he, gud nyt der.
God knows how much I needed those things that night. That was when I realized that indeed God is true to his promises and God will remain true to his promise that those who abandoned home and family for his sake and the gospel will be rewarded in turn a hundred times as many homes and families. I just want to tell you all that I heard from my family that night. That night when I really needed it, I was welcomed in many a home, in many a heart. Jesus is true to his promise.
That’s ten years. I missed out the details. I missed out the fun. For now I just want to talk to my mother and father.
Ma, Pa this is my community now, this is my family, this is my home. The last time you came here was sixteen years ago during my graduation as college. I just want to tell you that I am happy here. I do not know if they are happy with me, but I am happy here. I love being with these guys. Every now and then when I passed by their classrooms dressed in my colorful attire, the class would stop for a full 30 seconds to give them time to hiss and shout gwapo. That made me smile. And despite my dressing up it made me realize the wisdom of one of Annie’s song, you’re never fully dressed without a smile.
These cute little boys sometimes permit me to cuddle them and run around with them. With them I never missed family life. With them I never missed not being a biological father.
With my college seminarians I learned a lot and I’m still learning. For one they taught me what they never taught me in theology, that hell is not down there but up there, and there is water there too and Satan’s is also known as Jack. What I mean is, if one cannot be happy in their company, you can’t be happy anywhere else.
Ma na-into-an naman ako kaina. Aga pa pinukaw na nila ako kag ginkantahan. Sin-o abi indi magbugtaw nga kantahan ka imo Ecce Sacerdos Magnus, waay gid ako na ya nagtudlo sa ila. Dumduman ko sang una ginkanta na namon sang ginhimo arzobispo si Msgr. Piamonte! Tapos pagguwa sa kwarto ko kaina ko, nagaki-ang ki-ang ako, may foot spa nga nagahulat. Ti maano pa ako abi. Gindala ko na lang sila tanan sa Chowking. Mama dako damage ko.
The first years of the priesthood are usually the learning period. It’s akin to the residency program of doctors and medical practitioners. It is completing what I have learned from the seminary, knowing first hand the ins and outs of the priesthood and parish work. It’s an OJT, an on the job training. I would like to describe this stage in my life as trusting without really trusting. Full of idealism, brand new from the seminary I soared like an eagle. Confronted with the reality of parish life I flopped many, many times like a maya shot out of the air with a lowly slingshot. Confronted by disabilities, both intellectual and physical, I came to the point of leaving the parish only to be confronted at the gate by a woman born blind whose demeanor and composure, whose confidence and strength in that feeble frame enfeebled further by blindness which seemed to say then, “look, I never gave up.” From her and from that parish I have learned not just to trust God but to trust that which God himself made - myself. I have to learn to trust myself. No miracles happened there. No tacit divine intervention happened there. It was sheer effort, because at that point no amount of faith made it easier. It was there when I said in deep conviction, God deemed it wise that I will not be given a faith the size of a mustard seed that can move mountains, rather he deemed it wiser in his wisdom to give me faith that made me climb mountains I cannot move. He was teaching me one thing then, trust in what I created in you, trust in yourself, he kept on repeating it – trust in yourself!
I missed those days. Living under one roof with a Gamboa, a Delgado, an Oso, a Gomez, a Billiones from San Jose, two kiaos who kept on repeating mango, mango, mango, not to mention dogs that sit on chairs and slept on tables and sofas and eat at the fork of their master, may be so demeaning to an injured self-esteem. But all the while God was whispering trust in yourself, you are good, you are beautiful, you can do it, you are loved, you are valuable. I enjoyed and missed their company now. I don’t know if they missed me too, though I’m quite sure the dogs do not.
The Second stage started in Pototan, my second assignment. I would like to describe this stage as loving without really loving. It will be a stage which continues until this day. Pototan was love at first sight. Pototan was honeymoon after three years and a half in the priesthood. It was my first real assignment – an assignment I was prepared for, an assignment I have seen myself in even when I was in the seminary. It was the most enjoyable time in my life. It lasted eight months. I never went back as in going back there just by being there. I only went back because of duty which I cannot avoid. If you have read a novel about the painting of Judas in the masterpiece of Da Vinci’s Last Supper you would understand why a person who has loved something so much, leave it and never come back. He betrayed him, he had him taken away and had him crucified because he was afraid that he will love him so dearly. It was hard to understand at first, for why should I be afraid to love. I realized that love is too human and I am not so at home with it. I know it is the right thing, I know it is the best thing that can happen, I know I love it, I love the feeling, I know, I know, I know. But it is just too human and I am not so at home with it. I was loving without really loving. Terrible isn’t it - the anger, the pain, the anguish, not counting the human cost, not counting the damage, not counting the wounds created by the denial. Erryl when you told me this morning in behalf of your class saying, we love you Father Andy, it was easy to say I love you too Erryl. But the classic example of this struggle in this dilemma on my part is every graduation day when I would go into my room and lock myself in and the graduates would insistently knock to come in and one by one they would come, and one by one they would hug me. My mind tells me this is just another show but my heart begs that the hug would last forever. Love is a funny thing, stupid thing but surely most wonderful. In the past I love my work, people were just tools. This is one place where I begun to love not just my work but the people I work with. In fact I work because of the people I love.
But the struggle continues. That is why I prayed to God, my formator, my director, in this chapel once saying, Lord help me to love as I could until you have completed forming me to love as I should.
Last stage in the ten years. I would call this stage obeying without really obeying. It happened at a time when the news of what happened to seminarians under me in the past years reached me. I was devastated that they lost their way. I claimed responsibility. For months I blamed myself until I cannot stand it here anymore. I was frantic in finding a way out. I made a 4 page letter of resignation without going directly into the real reasons. But the reason then for me was clear. I failed and not only did I fail, I was a failure. I thought friends would understand. I thought my reasons were logical enough. I though it would be granted. But it was not. It was denied. Everybody was fighting for obedience then. It was the main issue. I too joined the fight but as the saying goes the furthest road to travel is the road from the head to the heart. I was saying we must obey, but my heart rebelled, I don’t want to obey.
That particular stage is now behind me. In their own way, the personnel board though I believe did not intend it that way, made my continued stay here a virtue by not accepting my application for the position even just as an assistant parish priest. Obedience has a way of lightening the burden of the task of seminary work. Obedience has a way of taking away the thorns of conscience when something goes wrong or when something in the past went wrong. Obedience has a way of making me stop blaming myself. Obedience makes one share the burden, the load with others. It makes one free. I could not fully explain it now but that it how I feel with my presence here. Now I know that when I’m doing something I’m really doing it for someone and that makes the way easy.
I have narrated to you ten years, that’s ten years but everyday of my life in the events both happy and sad this gospel, the gospel we have just read rings true. In all those events sometimes my doubts would lead me to worship. Other times as I worship I doubt. Nevertheless the gospel comes to life. The assurance of his power rings loud and clear – a power that has conquered even death itself, a power that empowers us even now to trust in him, to trust in ourselves. The commissioning to make disciples is repeated – to love as we could until we can love as we should. And the promise is made that he will be with us no matter what, an assurance that we are not doing this by ourselves but with God.
One time, I don’t know what got into me but I felt restless, I felt deep loneliness, I just felt bad. And this guy who was once a seminarian here happened to text me on my cell phone nga nagapangamusta. I can’t remember what I said to him but most probably I gave a hint as to what was happening inside of me. Then all of a sudden I was barraged by texters sending one-liners like kaya mo yan father, and things like I’ll pray for you, or God is with you or advises like, in your lonely moments think of happy times we were together, believe in your capacity to fight. Amidst all these I was replying, who’s this, who are you. They were my former students, seminarians here whom I have accompanied for a year or two. These exchanges happened throughout the night and one thing I could not forget was when one of them ended his text after a long advise, daw ako na subong ang formator mo no followed by a he he he, gud nyt der.
God knows how much I needed those things that night. That was when I realized that indeed God is true to his promises and God will remain true to his promise that those who abandoned home and family for his sake and the gospel will be rewarded in turn a hundred times as many homes and families. I just want to tell you all that I heard from my family that night. That night when I really needed it, I was welcomed in many a home, in many a heart. Jesus is true to his promise.
That’s ten years. I missed out the details. I missed out the fun. For now I just want to talk to my mother and father.
Ma, Pa this is my community now, this is my family, this is my home. The last time you came here was sixteen years ago during my graduation as college. I just want to tell you that I am happy here. I do not know if they are happy with me, but I am happy here. I love being with these guys. Every now and then when I passed by their classrooms dressed in my colorful attire, the class would stop for a full 30 seconds to give them time to hiss and shout gwapo. That made me smile. And despite my dressing up it made me realize the wisdom of one of Annie’s song, you’re never fully dressed without a smile.
These cute little boys sometimes permit me to cuddle them and run around with them. With them I never missed family life. With them I never missed not being a biological father.
With my college seminarians I learned a lot and I’m still learning. For one they taught me what they never taught me in theology, that hell is not down there but up there, and there is water there too and Satan’s is also known as Jack. What I mean is, if one cannot be happy in their company, you can’t be happy anywhere else.
Ma na-into-an naman ako kaina. Aga pa pinukaw na nila ako kag ginkantahan. Sin-o abi indi magbugtaw nga kantahan ka imo Ecce Sacerdos Magnus, waay gid ako na ya nagtudlo sa ila. Dumduman ko sang una ginkanta na namon sang ginhimo arzobispo si Msgr. Piamonte! Tapos pagguwa sa kwarto ko kaina ko, nagaki-ang ki-ang ako, may foot spa nga nagahulat. Ti maano pa ako abi. Gindala ko na lang sila tanan sa Chowking. Mama dako damage ko.
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