to become a child again

Do you believe that everything in us is grace? Do you believe that everything that happens to us is an opportunity for grace? If you do then you will also agree with me when I call sickness a grace and old age as a grace from God. So we call them the grace of old age, the grace of senility, the grace of sickness, the grace of being hospitalized, the grace of being confined to the care of a caregiver, the grace of being left alone? I believe it would take us a leap of faith to do so.
This is my reflection while I was contemplating the situation of our old priests right in front of the St. Vincent Ferrer Seminary in a house which we call home sweet home.
When I was young (and I am not that old), I used to go to the Home sweet Home. There were at least 5 priests there. One was a regular confessor of seminarians so I tried him once. When I confessed my sins to him he told me to get out of the seminary and for my penance, 3 via crucis. I could not remember now what I confessed to him that day, but I am sure I did not murder anyone.
There was another priest there, a monsignor. He was a powerful man in his time. He was physically big then, they say, which fitted his stature as the right hand man of the Archbishop. He was purportedly a candidate to become bishop himself. During our time he was confined in that home and he was already so thin and so helpless, he could not even change his pajamas.


There were also two old priests there who celebrated mass together one morning. The celebrant who was very old priests got so irked with another priest in the middle of the mass, and so during communion, he got back on him and decided not to give him his share of the bread for Holy Communion, which led to a squabble in the middle of the mass. I cannot remember now how they ended the mass but I guess it was something not to be missed.
When I was young as a seminarian we laughed at these anecdotes and retold it again and again in the refectory, in the classrooms, feasting on these stories coming from a home called sweet. Now that I’m older and probably less humorous, at a time when philosophy and philosophizing become more of a habit rather than a subject, I begin to ask myself “why”. Why lead us to senility Lord, why lead us to utter helplessness and vulnerability, why lead us to old age, to a time of powerlessness when we could not control even our bladders. Gone are the days when we were in full control, full of power, when we took our place with the best and the brightest. Gone are the days when we have others at our beck and call, when people bow their heads to us and treat us with every respect. Gone were those days when we were held high, when calling us reverend father really meant revered which actually means someone to be feared. Why lead us your priests there? Frankly, I don’t have definite answers. After all God is God and he is totally other.
But I would just like to say that our retirement home is not just a departure area. It is the place where we have to look back and recite our Magnificats for the marvelous things God has done for us and through us. It is also a time to look back and assess reciting our acts of contrition for what we have done and what we have failed to do.
Old age, disease, senility, sickness are parts of the school of life, the last curriculum which teaches us subjects we missed in life and subjects we need for death. It is a time when back subjects have to be faced, where the essentials would have to be learned again - things we missed, things we overlooked as we hurried through life.
At this time of vulnerability, the gait would be measured, the waiting longer, the walking slower, the reflection deeper, the silence stiller still. There, men of power will learn powerlessness and vulnerability. At that place and time men and women who took control will have to learn to lose control on anything and everything. There, men of strength will have to be helped and have to learn to ask for help again. In that place, persons of greatness will relearn to be insignificant and little. In that place, men who fought the world’s pain and suffering will learn to accept and embrace them in their lives. There, men who were dependable will relearn to be dependent again. There an adult will learn to be child-like yet again. In the vulnerability that goes with old age, sickness, and disease we have to relearn once again the basics of entering heaven, the basics of relating to God.
This is the reason why I believe that this age, the age of arthritis, the age when we could no longer fend for ourselves is a time of grace. It will be the last stage, our last leg in the journey, our last grade in the school of life, our last curriculum, our last lessons before we come face to face with God. Learn to appreciate the giftedness of weakness, the giftedness of disease, the giftedness of senility, the giftedness of sickness, the gift of helplessness and dependence. This is an opportunity to become child-like again for unless we go through it, we will never be deemed fit to enter the kingdom of heaven.
We make this song our prayer today, the prayer of St. Ignatius - take Lord receive all my liberty - my memory, understanding, my entire will - give me only your love and your grace, that’s enough for me. To become like a child again before we come to meet God. May we be given that grace.