25 years: learning losing control
I thought all the while that if I could tackle talking about a 50th wedding anniversary, I could easily talk about a 25th wedding anniversary. I was wrong. Last night, I ended up watching the TV until 1 AM in frustration for want of thoughts to write about. I accepted this invitation because I thought all the while that I have it under my sleeve, that I won’t make great strides, great effort to come up with a reflection. I ended up having nothing. I was told this is a surprise that was hatched in the mind of Archie, I don’t know for how many days or weeks. But I tell you, you are not the only ones surprised.
I too was surprised having been told about it only last Thursday evening. Probably surprises do not surprise you as much as they surprise me right now. Probably because you have had so many surprises before, the consistency of these have rob them with the astonishment, the shock, the amazement, the bolt, and the blow, which necessarily accompanies surprises. I believe, after doing some calculations of your age with only the wedding anniversary as a reference, you have come to an age in your relationship wherein you are halfway between saying, “I am surprised” and “nothing surprises me anymore,” halfway between defiance and resignation, halfway between controlling and letting go of all controls. This is I believe what makes 25th wedding anniversaries quite unique and impossible to think through with a decent homily. It is an in-between time. Hey you are not too old, but I cannot call you a young couple either; too old to say let him be and really mean it, and yet too young to make commands and demands and be realistic about them; too young not to mind, and yet too old to rigidly demand expectations; too young to have grandchildren and yet old enough to have unmarried children. I can only imagine your joy years back when Archie entered the seminary. Beaming with pride, he gave it to you for four years. After that, frustration came, for when they took control, you loose control. But that was years back I believe, when you played Santa Claus very well and provided them with surprises on Christmas morn. But then they took hold of you and you lose your rule over them and you lose your power of restraint little by little. However, in all these, as in this day, you recovered once more that which makes life worth living - the joy and excitement of surprises along life’s way.
This for me is the celebration of a silver wedding and this I believe is also its struggle. Halfway to the golden years I chose the gospel which narrates to us the wedding at Cana. In a celebration that will take us back 25 years ago, I chose the beginning, the hard and difficult beginning of a marriage in a place called Cana narrated in the gospel of John. It is a wedding which did not begin quite well I suppose. It is a wedding manager’s shock, and a young couple’s nightmare. When everyone thought that everything has been thought through something went wrong – a wrong they could do nothing about. Jewish weddings are terribly costly I suppose and provisions have to be secured for a celebration that would take almost a week. But at the start of their wedding, the very thing that was thought through and thoroughly planned, the provisions, did not come up to reality. It was not just a bad reception it was bad feng shui. When all was deemed a disaster something came up. The mother of Jesus, a woman, who like all women, did not just know and but above all felt, she felt, what the couple might have felt and she approached a seemingly reluctant Jesus to present the problem. That is what I like about Mary most. She did not dictate, nor made demands, nor manipulated her son. She merely presented. Come to think of it Mary must have been your age and if Joseph were alive, she could have celebrated their 25 wedding anniversary too. But here she was - she merely presented the predicament to her son and she did not even argue but she simply and quietly left the scene, trusting, probably getting ready for a surprise. And then the surprise came, water turned into wine and not just wine for wine’s sake but the best wine was served that day. What could have ended as a disaster turned out as a surprise, a big surprise for the waiter in charge and a bigger surprise to a couple who were resigned to disaster. And I could only imagine the woman in between, in a little corner, eating her course silently smiling with a twinkle in her eye.
This is indeed a fitting reflection proper and appropriate for a silver jubilarian and the age, the growth and the realizations which this jubilee brings. The couple who did not foresee what should have been foreseen; a couple no longer in control of a situation; a couple who were about to be shamed and about to resign to that fate; a parent so filled with empathy, she did not just know, she felt; a parent who was so present in the situation she helped without being asked; a parent who merely presented the problem and the need, rather than dictate and manipulate; a parent whose words are few but whose trust is great; a parent who contended herself happily by immediately fading in the background, unmentioned and unrecognized, and even un-thanked; a whole line of waiters so surprised and so open to surprises; a whole line of waiters who did not pose so many questions but simply waited as a waiter should; a people who believed; a people who believed; a people who trusted.
I have not married, nor am I planning to marry. But weddings and anniversaries intrigue me, for there are just so many things to learn about, things that I needed in my life as a priest and in my ministry as a formator. I never really appreciated the fact that John placed the wedding at Cana as the first Sign, not until now. It is the first sign, it should be the first sign of God’s goodness and providence in our lives.
I lose control when I accepted this anniversary celebration. I resisted surprises since I became a priest. There is still some resistance left. You lose control when your children plan for you, instead of you planning for your children. Things are not as they were anymore, as we have been so used to in the past. But be ready for a lot of surprises. It will not stop now, it will not stop in the near future. But as it is, we must be a people who believe, a people who believe, a people who trusts. As I have said, the 25th wedding anniversary is an in-between, it is a celebration and at the same time a struggle. Continue believing and continue trusting knowing that Jesus is just around.
I too was surprised having been told about it only last Thursday evening. Probably surprises do not surprise you as much as they surprise me right now. Probably because you have had so many surprises before, the consistency of these have rob them with the astonishment, the shock, the amazement, the bolt, and the blow, which necessarily accompanies surprises. I believe, after doing some calculations of your age with only the wedding anniversary as a reference, you have come to an age in your relationship wherein you are halfway between saying, “I am surprised” and “nothing surprises me anymore,” halfway between defiance and resignation, halfway between controlling and letting go of all controls. This is I believe what makes 25th wedding anniversaries quite unique and impossible to think through with a decent homily. It is an in-between time. Hey you are not too old, but I cannot call you a young couple either; too old to say let him be and really mean it, and yet too young to make commands and demands and be realistic about them; too young not to mind, and yet too old to rigidly demand expectations; too young to have grandchildren and yet old enough to have unmarried children. I can only imagine your joy years back when Archie entered the seminary. Beaming with pride, he gave it to you for four years. After that, frustration came, for when they took control, you loose control. But that was years back I believe, when you played Santa Claus very well and provided them with surprises on Christmas morn. But then they took hold of you and you lose your rule over them and you lose your power of restraint little by little. However, in all these, as in this day, you recovered once more that which makes life worth living - the joy and excitement of surprises along life’s way.
This for me is the celebration of a silver wedding and this I believe is also its struggle. Halfway to the golden years I chose the gospel which narrates to us the wedding at Cana. In a celebration that will take us back 25 years ago, I chose the beginning, the hard and difficult beginning of a marriage in a place called Cana narrated in the gospel of John. It is a wedding which did not begin quite well I suppose. It is a wedding manager’s shock, and a young couple’s nightmare. When everyone thought that everything has been thought through something went wrong – a wrong they could do nothing about. Jewish weddings are terribly costly I suppose and provisions have to be secured for a celebration that would take almost a week. But at the start of their wedding, the very thing that was thought through and thoroughly planned, the provisions, did not come up to reality. It was not just a bad reception it was bad feng shui. When all was deemed a disaster something came up. The mother of Jesus, a woman, who like all women, did not just know and but above all felt, she felt, what the couple might have felt and she approached a seemingly reluctant Jesus to present the problem. That is what I like about Mary most. She did not dictate, nor made demands, nor manipulated her son. She merely presented. Come to think of it Mary must have been your age and if Joseph were alive, she could have celebrated their 25 wedding anniversary too. But here she was - she merely presented the predicament to her son and she did not even argue but she simply and quietly left the scene, trusting, probably getting ready for a surprise. And then the surprise came, water turned into wine and not just wine for wine’s sake but the best wine was served that day. What could have ended as a disaster turned out as a surprise, a big surprise for the waiter in charge and a bigger surprise to a couple who were resigned to disaster. And I could only imagine the woman in between, in a little corner, eating her course silently smiling with a twinkle in her eye.
This is indeed a fitting reflection proper and appropriate for a silver jubilarian and the age, the growth and the realizations which this jubilee brings. The couple who did not foresee what should have been foreseen; a couple no longer in control of a situation; a couple who were about to be shamed and about to resign to that fate; a parent so filled with empathy, she did not just know, she felt; a parent who was so present in the situation she helped without being asked; a parent who merely presented the problem and the need, rather than dictate and manipulate; a parent whose words are few but whose trust is great; a parent who contended herself happily by immediately fading in the background, unmentioned and unrecognized, and even un-thanked; a whole line of waiters so surprised and so open to surprises; a whole line of waiters who did not pose so many questions but simply waited as a waiter should; a people who believed; a people who believed; a people who trusted.
I have not married, nor am I planning to marry. But weddings and anniversaries intrigue me, for there are just so many things to learn about, things that I needed in my life as a priest and in my ministry as a formator. I never really appreciated the fact that John placed the wedding at Cana as the first Sign, not until now. It is the first sign, it should be the first sign of God’s goodness and providence in our lives.
I lose control when I accepted this anniversary celebration. I resisted surprises since I became a priest. There is still some resistance left. You lose control when your children plan for you, instead of you planning for your children. Things are not as they were anymore, as we have been so used to in the past. But be ready for a lot of surprises. It will not stop now, it will not stop in the near future. But as it is, we must be a people who believe, a people who believe, a people who trusts. As I have said, the 25th wedding anniversary is an in-between, it is a celebration and at the same time a struggle. Continue believing and continue trusting knowing that Jesus is just around.
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